Hope, without it you're only a shadow of your physical presence.  I've walked in my shadow, and the way I experienced it changed my perspective on the world.  No, not just my life, the world. Look in the eyes of someone who has little hope, their soul drowns.  I want to reach out and grab them, but leaving them to drown is the only thing I can do.  I can only sit and wait, to validate and let them know I'm here.  I won't leave you but I can't save you.  I know it's hard to understand, but you have to save yourself and being a shadow of who you once were will only be understood when you step back within.  

From the shadow, reach forward and grab the hand of yourself.  It's in the darkness of your own shadow that you can peer forward at your physical presence and begin to understand who you really are.  Don't run from the opportunity, experience it.  You will get walked on and your shadow will cast onto others and make them uncomfortable, but let it be.  As you find purpose, the light will shine and the shadow will shorten as it closes back within you.  As you find hope, you will see the world from a different perspective.  Don't be afraid of the darkness, I will be here, holding the hand of who you were.  When you return, we will celebrate who you are.  

I would have never arrived here, had I not laid in the shadow of who I was.  It was from here I changed and crawled back within.  Without hope, our soul drowns. 

 

  

A thought... A homonym is a group of words that share the same spelling and the same pronunciation but have different meanings.  For example, "bow", this can be many things.  A device that shots arrows or ribbon tied on a package.

Prior to experiencing a tragedy in my life, if you mentioned the word "dark", I thought of night.  If you mentioned "pain", I thought of a physical injury.  After tragedy, "dark" represents times of depression and "pain" represents the hurt I feel inside.  Same words, different meanings.     

Now, when I say "John Wayne", I know him as an actor and a picture pops up in  my mind. When I say a friends name, a picture pops up on my mind and I can tell you about them from previous experiences.

A thought...We, as in those who experience tragedy, instantly begin to look at the world differently.  It's instant!!  Those around us that are experiencing it from a different perspective will not have the same reaction.  Their perspective on us has taken many years to develop, yet WE change in an instant and EXPECT them to understand.  

If you've experienced something that has changed "who you are within", you still look the same on the outside.  People that knew me before I lost Blake expected the same Kris to exist, heck, I thought I was the same Kris.  What I could see in the mirror was the same yet what was going on inside was different.    Change is difficult, understanding all of these new meanings takes time.  

That's why I posted the clip from Shawshank Redemption about HOPE.  The first time I watched this clip I saw one meaning, the second time another.  Be patient with yourself in your grief, you're learning to walk again.  The idea of running through it or becoming who you used to be won't work, patience.  A baby doesn't just get up and walk, they crawl in the beginning.

"Understand that not everyone will understand who you are within if you haven't told them or if they're not willing to listen". 

"You can't reset your life like a video game, you have to play on.  However, you have the controls". 

Be safe and well.

 

I've been accused of being VERY QUIET lately.  Thank you, it's not often I'm accused of such a thing.  My blog has been idle, very few posts on FB, my only explanation is that I'm finding peace within.  I know, sounds radical but it's my only explanation.  I posted the ending clip of Castaway, the crossroads not long ago.  After watching this clip several times, it dawned on me that not only was I standing at this crossroad within, I've actually stood at this crossroad in real life.  

Many times over the past six years, I've waited for the intersection Blake was killed at to clear so that I could stand in the space he last lived.  It was a crossroad for him, his took him to his final breath.  A choice point as Darcie Sims calls it.  I don't know if you've ever stood at a life changing crossroad in your lifetime, it can be paralyzing.  A step in any direction is without question, a first step.  

Yesterday, I drove to this intersection knowing well that as I approached it like I have MANY times that life ended here.  Yet I'm at peace with it, a choice point has become a tipping point.  I've watched the scales tip in my favor with Blake's death as I simply understand it, no trumpets, bright lights, balloons or confetti when I realized it.  It was simply a  moment in time, a crossroad which I've passed through.  

I realize now that I will eventually pass through this same crossroad with my divorce, that simple reminder brings peace.  It's not complete yet, I'm still traveling to this intersection but I'm on the road, the journey as many call it.  I'm grateful for this journey, for the six months I was given to travel this REAL road in life.  I really think more should take it, but only attempt it if you are really ready to look within.  What you find if you really look isn't always pretty.  I believe they're called demons.

We all have choices when we reach a crossroad, but it's the journey you fight the demons.  In my blogs, you've witnessed anger, sadness, excitement, hopelessness, scattered, hope, a full range of emotions shared from the heart.  This is the journey, a front row seat to my battle with demons.  I can only hope for you that you go on this journey someday yourself, it's not easy, but I promise you that the crossroad is over the horizon.  

Several years back, I stood at the intersection Blake was killed at and walked away completely lost with no direction.  Yesterday I walked away with an understanding that the day will come when I will reach a crossroad with my second divorce, a choice point in a new relationship.  The journey is worth the effort, it brings peace and hope.  

Read my words for what they are, words.  Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  

Be safe and well as you journey.

I don't remember a defining lesson that made me feel that way, yet that is what I felt.  Because of the failure of my first marriage and the actions within it, in turn, I ended up losing my son as punishment?  I know that sounds crazy, but asking myself these questions was "my reality".  I was so filled with questions regarding my faith that I didn't even know where to start.  I was filled with so many "Why's?"  Why this and why that, I wanted answers.  Yet no one could give them for me, it was my own search or discovery of within that would eventually calm my questions.  It wasn't about answering them with definitive answers, it was more about not understanding the questions I was even asking.

I had to come to terms with where I was with my faith.  I've shared with you many times the paragraph that speaks of the life of a mystic.  Within this reading, there is a paragraph that truly spoke to me as a "spiritual soul".  I was given this article by a friend and when I read this single paragraph, I changed.  I couldn't get past these words or read another word beyond it as if I was stuck in the true depth of what this was saying to me.  I wasn't running, hiding, covering myself, for the first time since enduring tragedy in my life, my soul was exposed. This isn't something I can teach you to do, you just have to be within it to experience it.  

It was this that stopped me:  "I felt spiritually poor, though I was one of the richest".  I felt this as in that "moment of spiritual soul opening, I had truly exposed to myself who I was". Regardless of anger, guilt, regrets.  Regardless of questioning if God even existed or if God really listened.  Regardless of why my son died or I have now experienced two divorces. Regardless of how many rocks I was throwing, "I believed that another life existed, it was within something as simply as believing that I took what felt as my first step".  I found a God who accepted me exactly where I was, in this purity I began.  

I want you to understand something, this doesn't take away fear, indecisiveness, depression, anger, regret, happiness, success.  All it did for me in that simplest of moments was allow me to stand soul exposed and accept my life.  Trumpets didn't blast, the lights didn't flicker, I didn't get a certificate in the mail, I simply knew that I was "spiritual".  I had to realize that I do believe in God, maybe not in the way that you do, but I believe.  I have yet to go to church and not get tears in my eyes.  Whether it's the message or the person I just greeted, or the music that comes from the hearts of those on stage singing, I believe.  

"I was spiritually poor, yet it was up to me to share these riches".  Jesus may save, but he expected me to row to shore.  I could have stood with my soul exposed for eternity and kept asking why, it was when I took the first step that my faith met me there.  It was when I took a second step that my faith met me there again, over and over.  Even when I took steps backward my faith met me there, undaunted by my weakness or amazed by my strength. 

It was in my lack of faith that it grew and began to believe again.  I refuse to believe because that's what everyone else does, just like I refuse to change my resume to fit a job description. My faith met me where I was at, a soul exposed, like a sponge, ready to grow.  

Be safe and well in your faith, regardless of what you believe or don't believe.  Open your heart to the idea that it's standing naked with your soul exposed that you will find a place to begin.

 

After arriving back home and spending a couple weeks reflecting on the past, having the opportunity to stand in the middle of an intersection and look in all four directions with a choice as to what I do next with my life.  I can see clearly that life isn't about normal vs abnormal, my answers match your answers, the number of bedrooms I have vs. the number you have.  I can see clearly that my faith in God doesn't have to match your faith in God or that the way I write has to be acceptable to the way you read.  I realize that the more I attempt to match what others expect the more abnormal I become.

Oh, I understand completely that this little world we live in is based solely "who, what, when and where".  I've witnessed it all to clearly and when you deviate, well, the outside world reacts in either a positive or negative way.  When Blake was killed, I was thrust into a world I had no idea how to negotiate.  This world was abnormal to me, yet to continue fitting into the normal world around me, I was expected to act a certain way.  Grieve this long and move on, if you don't, ABNORMAL.

As time went on and I started to find a bit of normal within this world of abnormality, my actions began to follow what society deems as NORMAL so my label began to change.  After a year of teaching, one of the teachers in my high school approached me and she said to me, "Kris, you're not a normal teacher.  I've never seen anyone teach like you or have the relationships you've created with these kids".  It was really strange to hear this as what I was doing in my world was completely normal.  It made me wonder and ask myself, "Would they have hired me had they known I'm NOT A NORMAL teacher?"

I've read a few articles the past week regarding putting a resume together and that each resume should fit the particular position your applying for.  One of the common themes in these articles is that you should tweak each resume/cover letter to fit each position.  Each resume submitted should be written, tweaked and/or stretched to fit within what the company feels will be the "best fit".  Soooooooooo, in order to get a great job, I need to see what they want in the job description and tweak and/or stretch my NORMAL credentials to fit within the confines of this position that being honest about myself, you may find me ABNORMAL.  

Let me take this one step further.  From today forward, if I meet a lovely lady that I would consider a match for me as I do still believe in love,  When she asks, "Kris, tell me about yourself?"  Hmmmmmmmm, if I follow the rules of job hunting, I give her the tweaked resume.  If I follow the rules that I've established for myself and my own world of normal, I tell her the truth.  They do define me and for a period of time, they did confine me.  Yet these are the strengths I had within to find NORMAL again.  Is it the normal that was before I lost my son?  NO  Is it the normal that was before I divorced? NO  There was a time when being divorced was abnormal, yet today it's not only common but considered normal.  It makes sense then why so many people get married a second time and it ends up in failure again, we gave them a tweaked resume.  We portrayed ourselves to be something we were not so that we would fit the job description.  No thank you!!

I hope you can see where I'm going with this, what was a normal world to me before I had these experiences is no longer normal, it's abnormal.  This is all very interesting stuff to me as I don't want a position or career, I want to make a difference in whatever I do.  I've sent my resume off for a couple positions within education, both received the non-edited version.  Here is who I am, I don't have past experience in "school administration", but I do have past experience in overcoming difficult situations.  I don't know all the rules, regulations, testing data or what you may find as a normal administrative type.  I may do things a bit differently such as demand that "I get to teach a class to connect with the kids".  Yes, abnormal to you yet extremely normal to me.   

Life isn't about being normal or abnormal, it's about understanding within.  It's about knowing that "data" gives me a headache so I'm not going to pretend that I love it.  Being in a relationship isn't about telling someone I love wine in the interview only to know in truth it gives me a pounding headache the following morning.  Regardless of where I end up, career or relationship, I'm going to give them the NORMAL resume.  I live by my standards, my normal, anything else is simply ABNORMAL to me.  

It's when I began to be ABNORMAL to you, I began to be NORMAL to me.  This led me directly to my reality and I'm grateful to be here, it's where I do my best work and see that I am passionate about life.

Be safe and well.

All this time, I stopped writing and felt as though I had to close this chapter of my life and move on.  I've had so many people tell me that it's time to "move on".  Yet while writing yesterday about the rings of growth in a tree, good years and bad years due to rainfall, I began to understand that it's these years of little moisture that truly bring the strength to who I am.  It's like me saying that my past doesn't define me, when in reality it actually does define me.  When you cut down a tree, you see all the rings and you see the story of it's life.  You don't get to see only the good years, you see all the years yet it didn't confine the tree from growing.  It continued to grow, year after year. 

The tree stood, faced storms, took chances on getting struck by lightning, the winds pushed hard from the north and then the next day from the south.  All of this trying to tear it from the soil, yet it's the roots that held it in place.  On good years it grew deeper and deeper so that it could anchor deep within the earth.  Wrapping it's tiny feelers around rocks, seeking strength in a place of darkness.  Yet, it's in this darkness that it finds it's strength to withstand what nature throws at it above.  

When I arrived home, this experience under my belt and the many experiences of my past.  I felt as though I needed to "cut down this tree, turn it into paper, write this chapter and close the book".  Is that even possible??  Can a person simply write the final chapter, close the book and "move on"?  Yesterday, I had the opportunity to meet someone who knew nothing about me. It was in this conversation that I walked away realizing that I told them about only the "good years".  When you cut down a tree and look at the rings, you see all of them, not just the "good years".  

For someone to accept me as the person I really am, do I have to hide the "tough years"?  If I hand them the book that has my life story in it, do I remove the chapters of the "tough years" or just leave those pages blank and hope they don't ask?  If I hide the "tough years", the experiences in my life when my roots grew deeper and deeper, it truly seems counter productive as it was in those very moments I celebrated the loudest.  Yet it's these very moments of complete darkness and life sucking depression that I ended up seeing the brightest lights, yet I'm supposed to leave those chapters out of my life.  Leave them blank and hope no one asks as if it "never happened".  

I literally just received an e-mail from someone and they said I "seemed a bit depressed". I think that's the biggest misconception of reading what I write.  I do get depressed at times, yet it's in this darkness I see the light.  It's in these times of little moisture my roots grow the strongest.  It's in these times of little faith in God I feel his presence the greatest.  It's when the tree rings are the narrowest that my ability to stand against the elements truly makes me an oak, not a pine.  It's in this funk, it's in this lean time that the growth you see on the outside may be little, but it's when I did the most work under the surface.  

I haven't written the final blog, they may not be as often as when I was on the road as I had the time to commit each and every morning to share with you what I was seeing.  I will continue to grow, continue to shed my leaves, continue to experience lean years followed by rings of great growth.  I will continue to share this adventure I'm on called "life", not from where you think I should see it, but from where I see it.  

When I look at the life of a tree and how I was planted, nurtured by my parents and then dug up and transplanted many times over the years. Thinking that each and every time I've experienced tragedy I had to transplant myself in a new forrest with new surroundings to find better soil, I'm starting to see the entire forrest.  It's not about transplanting my life, my beliefs, my faith to fit within a new forrest, it's about allowing my roots to grow deeper and deeper where I am.  I don't have to be the tallest tree or the strongest, as where other trees grow is different soil.  It's about where I stand and what I can see from my place.  As someday I will be cut down, death is a part of this life.  Will the next life let me lay as my trunk became hollow and rotten as I didn't tell my story and it left me empty, or will the next life see me standing and see that I can live on with many uses.  

I choose living on in others.  My son continues to teach me lessons beyond his short life.  My friend and son, you grew to be a mighty oak in only sixteen years.  Be safe and well.

In my journey of grief, whether it has been the loss of my son or my divorce.  I'm learning that it's OK to run from it, toward it, through it, around it, over it or under it.  Yet I learn the most when I just lay in it.  The past couple weeks after returning from visiting all 48 states, I've been in a funk of "what's next".  In this funk, I've been able to see what I did well and what I didn't do so well over the past year.  I'm learning as the funk starts to subside that I wasn't really in a funk at all, I've been laying in my grief.  In this pause, I've reflected on so many things from the past and it has began to help me see what's next. In school they called this "growth", like the rings on a tree.  

If you look at the rings of growth when you cut down a tree, you can see where some years with ample amounts of rain, the rings are wider.  In some years, they are very narrow showing the rains were few.  Yet the tree grew, from the outside, the tree appears to have just survived another year.  From the outside in my journey, I know it appears that there were times I wasn't growing, but dying.  To a point where some of my branches were even turning cold, black and losing leaves in the middle of a rain storm.  When I've had the opportunity to pause, step back and reflect on where I've been, I really get the opportunity to see where I want to go.

It's like gathering up tools and climbing my life to remove what is no longer needed.  Branches of my life die, I cut them away and it will leave a scare for many years.  As the branch is cut away, it allows me to focus my energy on new growth.  This past year, when things got pretty tough for me, the moisture was little.  Yet by trimming away the branches that only provided shade, I began see my growth begin again as I paused for sunshine.  What I want you to understand is this, regardless of how little sun I had, in time you will see that I grew.  In this growth, I extend above and beyond what surrounds me, maybe just a little.  Yet it's these tiny growth rings that make us strong, just like a real tree.  

If you're in crisis, it's these "funks" that we grow.  Don't run from it, learn from it.  It's in these times of "funk" that we can reflect, re-purpose our lives, trim away the shade and prepare for sunshine.  

Be safe and well.  Kris  

I can go on the remainder of my life and tell you my thoughts, but there was a sense of "complete"on a road somewhere in Arizona that I felt.  It truly was a moment of, "turn out the lights, the parties over".  I will never turn out the lights, but I feel that this party is over.  I can remember being at a truly amazing event thinking, "I don't want this to ever end", it means moving on.  Yet it was "moving on" that I found that I had grown within.  Life is about experiences, the good and bad, we learn from both if we choose.  Over the past six month, I've grown, there's no doubt.  

Regardless of your approval or disapproval of my thoughts, I did my best to stay as true to what I was thinking "in the moment".  In order to become ME, I had to follow those thoughts to end up here, in a sea of calm.  Sometimes what I wrote sent out a sense of panic, yet it was in those moments of PAUSE and REFLECTION that I GREW WITHIN.  Sometimes what I wrote sent out a sense of joy, yet it was in these moments as well I PAUSED and REFLECTED, it's when I GREW WITHIN.  

Over the next few days, I'm going to pick a few topics that are near and dear to my heart and give you some "in the moment" thoughts.  A few off the top of my head are: faith, love and marriage, death, career, etc.  There my thoughts, no one else's, just mine.  For me I want to finish this blog, not with a final chapter, but with a beginning chapter.  Getting here wasn't easy, it took a lot of work, sacrifice and courage.  

Allow me to share a few final thoughts over the next week, then I will "turn out the lights, as the sun will rise again, the party has just begun".    Be safe and well.   

I've heard this many times from people.  How do you get so much done in such a short amount of time?  I don't look at time as hours, days, months, years.  I look at time as opportunity.  If you waste opportunity, then you've wasted precious moments of a life you will never get back. Do you ever relax?  Of course I relax, I'm relaxing every moment of the day.  Doing what I love doing is RELAXING to me, it's when I do things that I no longer enjoy doing I find myself stressed, tired and non-focused.   

Sooooooo Mr. Munsch, what's next in this life you live?  Do you plan to scale mountains, swim across oceans, skip across deserts?  I'm a very different person today, in this moment. VERY DIFFERENT!!!  I say this so loudly as you don't walk away from "LIFE" as most understand it to be and not return CHANGED in some way.  If I were to break down all the things I've done in the past year, the action that changed me the most was "walking away".  

Handing in my resignation, purging my stuff and driving off was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  Instead of being a part of the world, I forced myself to become "my own world".  By choice, well, that's still up for discussion.  I would like to think I choose to do this, but in some way of thinking, I was pulled by an inner "way of knowing" that's what I needed.

I used to call it gut instinct, now I just call it my inner knowing of self.  In some fashion or another, I would like to think I was completely in control of my life when I drove off. However, in reality in this moment, I completely understand that doing what I did was an attempt to SAVE MY LIFE.  It could have gone in many directions, but it was following my gut that led me here to this moment of my life and I'm grateful for the simplicity I've found.

The simplicity of inner self is an inner power that no one will ever take from me, and that my friends is empowering.  So you're beating around the bush about what's next Mr. Munsch, please tell us,  What's next is this, the world is wide open to me and I mean that from the bottom of my heart when I say this.  I used to think I had to do a certain things with my life to impress you, but the real success in my life is when I focused on what impressed me.  That's when I truly began to "do and say great things" and found an inner source of energy to "DO". 

I really want you to think about this for a minute in it's absolute simplicity.  When you do what you love doing, the energy grows on itself.  You become your own sun and the energy never stops, even when you sleep.  The body may be resting but the mind continues to emit the energy, ideas, solutions, etc.  In this state of self, you become the energy source for others as it's impossible to use it all up yourself.  You want to give it away as you don't want it wasted.

Whatever I do next with my life will be something that allows me to emit these rays of energy, from entering back into education to becoming a congressman, the world is at my finger tips. From opening a grief center to becoming a policeman, the world is at my finger tips.  From working at Home Depot to managing a fortune 500 company, it's all at my fingertips.  In it's simplicity, EVERYONE put's their pants on one leg at a time, it's about inner self.  Such reaching ideas as becoming a congressman may seem crazy to you, but it's in what appears to be insanity to you that has led me to sanity and into a world of reality.  

Don't believe me, try it!!  Every single person who walks this planet has dreamed of being something they felt they could never achieve, it was in this failure of inner self that they became paralyzed and began sucking energy from the sun instead of becoming the sun.  

In this moment, the sun isn't what I become to you, it's what I become to me that matters.  My inner self is my energy source, without it, I'm paralyzed.

Be safe and well.